Guilty on mothers day for no reason?

My mother adopted me as a single mother when I was an infant and allowed me to move out on my own at 16. She was never effectionate or showed a strong interest in my interests. If we were a couple we would have been divorced years ago. Every year I try an find a mothers day card for her and the sayings in the card are so far from the mother she has been to me. A blank card leaves me lost for words. I find her to be very toxic in my life, I'm not ready to let go but she upsets me so much when she calls or wants to see me and my daughter.


Mother's Day has always been hard for me and I feel so depressed about it. Why am I so conflicted, guilty and not angry?

Guilty on mothers day for no reason?
Because you are still yearning for the mother you thought you should have, and the mother you think everyone else has, and the mothers they show on TV getting lovely gifts from adoring daughters. That's not you, but you wish it were.


I suggest you get a blank card and just write' "Wishing you a happy mother's day" and leave it at that.





read "Bad Childhood, Good Life" for better perspective.


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Reply:My Mother passed away 2 years ago and I had this same relationship with her...I know what you are going through...But, let me say this to you...If the relationship isn't healthy for you or your daughter then know you are backing away from it with good intentions for you and your daughter. I never could find a card that fit my mother, they didnt have them for you are so " rude and hateful " so I would just give her a simple one or just a phone call. That is ok for you to do that. I dont know the whole story between you and your Mother but it doesn't sound healthy for you. Please do not have guilt, just know that you have given it your all and you are not able to change her. You can love her and not like her. She will not be here forever, so make sure your guilt is gone before she is. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Keep your head up high and know that everything will work out for the best.
Reply:If its been so bad why do you even come around?
Reply:You have a right to be upset, and you feel guilty because the typical mother daughter relationship did not occur. Of course that isn't of your doing. Does your mother recognize what she has done? Maybe she is harboring some guilt privatley. You should confront her about it, but remember what is done is done and she can't go back and change it and neither can you, but both of you can work on building a better relationship. If your daughter sees the relationship between you and your mother it could be only a matter of time that she uses it againt you. Maybe for mothers day you and her can start counseling and monthly talks and work your way towards a better relationship. Maybe in your blank card you could write your ideas, she may get defensive and she may even get upset, allow that and let her stew on it. After a while bring it up to her and let her know that unless she is willing to better your relationship it maybe best to keep visits to a minimum. Good Luck and remember you still have a mom (good or bad) and there is always hope to hang on to, also don't waste your energy on anger, guilt or depression you, yourself have a daughter to put that energy towards.
Reply:She might not have been the best mother but how did you turn out? Something taught you how to be you. You might view her as toxic but I promise turning your issues inward will really help you move this relationship to a better space. It's sad that she wasn't affectionate or as interested in your life but she still made sacrifices to adopt you and raise you. Do you know the circumstances of your adoption? Maybe there are things that you don't know or understand. Pick out a card that is nice and sweet, treat her how you'd like to be treated. This is one day a year, reach out a little. Let her know you appreciate what she did for you even if it wasn't exactly perfect. Do you know how many people have perfect childhoods? Hmmm let me think....um....not one. Look beyond what happened and find how it has let you become who you are today. Stop and think about those things for a while and I think you'll realize that she did more for you than you realize. Good luck :)
Reply:Forgiveness is the key here. Stop feeling guilty and depressed because of your Mother. Forgiving her is going to be liberating. You don't have to tell her and you certainly will never forget. Stop the cycle now and be the best Mother you can be to your own daughter and so when she grows up she will not have the same worries. Her only worry on Mothers Day will be....... what to get the best Mom ever.
Reply:I think that these issues with your mother are definitely stronger than that of a mothers day card and the only way you will ever resolve them is by talking to her. Don't ask us here on yahoo answers what to do because I think deep inside you know exactly what you need to do. Be strong and good luck!
Reply:You are guilty and conflicted because you love her despite the things she did or didn't do for you. When we love people forgiveness is automatic. See, you are guilty because you haven't take the step to forgive her. Hey remember that mothers sometimes make mistakes too. If you could buy a blank card and write something like this.





It's Mother's Day. A day to show love and honor toward a mother. For the past (?) years, I have searched high and low for the words and for the way to express the way I feel. We have a had a rough and rocky road. There were times I was unsure of our relationship. I was unsure if we would speak. I was unsure if you loved me and if I would always love you.


But today there is no doubt that I love you.


Today, with this card I offer forgiveness. I want from this Mother's Day forward, for us get this mother and daughter thing right. I love you and no matter where we've been or what we've been through, it doesn't have to determine where we are going. I love you. And this mother's day know that you are loved.





Hope this helps!