Step mums and mothers day?

My ex partner (we have a daughter together) has a girlfriend that he has been with a yr they are getting married in Sept this yr and his mum has bought a card for mothers day for our 6 yr old daughter to give to her apparently its for a special person and not for a mother


How would you feel about that?

Step mums and mothers day?
I think you sound like a great mum! Yes it is a difficult situation and awkward but you are still able to appreciate that she gets on well with your daughter and that your daughter likes her. I understand you feel a bit sad but I reckon it's one day of the year and she will never be your daughter's mother and possibly never have children of her own.


You have an opportunity to be the big person here and let it happen. The best thing that can come of it is that it nurtures an already good relationship with your daughter. You want that to continue so that your daughter benefits from a positive experience with this new woman in her life.


Are you worried the ex-MIL is trying to diss you? Perhaps she was just thinking it would be a good way to show her son's new partner that she is accepted into the family? I don't know without knowing more about your family dynamic.


I think it will be ok because YOU ARE HER MUM and no one can take that place EVER, so a petty card won't make the blindest bit of difference.


I wish you all the very best sweetie and a Happy Mother's Day to you from me! xxx.
Reply:I would be quite annoyed actually, that the grandmother is insensitive and dismissive of you,your daughters real mother.





How does your daughter feel about it though? my ex husbands new wife once signed a card to addressed"to our son"my son was very upset about it.





It is quite hurtful when a new partner isnt very sensitive and tries to take your place and even more so when your ex in laws seem to encourage it. I would try to just ignore it though, your daughter knows who her mum is.
Reply:If it is just a special someone card and not a Mothers Day card, I would understand, and hope it stays that way when they are married.
Reply:well just be glad it didn't say mum on it!its the done thing today just got to grit your teeth I'm afraid.I'm in the exact same position.
Reply:Of course you're hurt. That's natural.


But the alternative could be that she doesn't get on with your daughter, and that would hurt even more.


Nobody can ever replace you. You are the mother.


But I have to say: I could have understood it if the ex had bought the card, but his mother .....!!
Reply:My children give their step mother a card on mothers day. Its usually has very simple words in. Last year I also received a card from my step daughter. Its not something that I expected but it is nice to think that I am appreciated as I do an awful lot for her and her partner. My other step children never give me a card and I am quite happy with that, as I am not their mother. Having said that I don't agree with your ex's mother buying the card, it should be the childs decision and up to you to take her to buy it.
Reply:I am a step mom turned adoptive mother to 2 girls. In my opinion it isn't up to the grandmother to get any card for your daughter to give to anyone. This woman isn't going to officially be her step mother until next mothers day. Step mothers don't take away from the birth mother and it's nice to have as many people care for a child as possible. Learning cooperation and fostering healthy relationships is the most important thing for your daughter. Your ex and this woman are going to marry and will be a part of your child's life. I would say skip the card this year and then next year, if the situation fits, take your daughter yourself to pick out an appropriate card for the step mom. I sure hope for a peaceful and uncomplicated co-parenting situation for all involved. Good luck!
Reply:I have been the step mother of a wonderful 10 year old little girl for 3 years. We have joint custody of her with her mother. I have never asked her to acknowledge me on mother's day, my husband hasn't asked her to either. My husbands family always acknowledged me on mother's day just because I was a "Mother-figure" to their granddaughter. Usually I am the one who takes her shopping for her mom's presents. The first 2 years she did not do anything for me and to me that was ok because that was the day she should be with her mom, but last year she wanted to. Maybe it was because last year was the first year her father and I were actually married. Whether or not she ever acknowledged me for mothers day would not change the fact that in my eyes she is my daughter and I will always love her. I think your ex's mom was just trying to show your daughter that even though her dad's new wife is not her mom she is still a special person in her life who will treat her like a daughter. I would not worry too much, I'm sure you were a little miffed as I would be, but his wife is not trying to take your place she is just trying to be the best person she can be in that position. It is very hard being a step mom especially if the child's mother is still in the picture. You can't be mom but you can't just be a friend either. You have to be an authority figure without being a mother figure. You have to love them with out making anyone feel like you are overstepping your bounds. This is made much harder by a mother who resents you so please try to be understanding of the position your ex's fiancee is in and understand that no matter who your ex is married to your daughter will always be your daughter. No to mention you should be happy that your ex married someone who embraces your daughter. Many new wives are very resentful of children from another relationship especially when they can't have children of their own.





Edit- I'm sorry I have just read these other answers and it really makes me want to cry. As a step-mother I have done everything I can to show my stepdaughter that she is my daughter and I love her as such. I resent all the people whe say stepmothers don't deserve recognition. I may not have been the one to give birth to her but I am the one that has done all the school projects, I am the one who has made the halloween costumes, thrown the birthday parties, attended the parent teacher confrences, heard about all the crushes, catered to all the friends all while mom goes out to clubs and on nice vacations to vegas. So to those of you who think a stepmother is just daddy's new wife think again, we have to put in twice the effort to show our "children" the love and affection that we have for them only to have them say "Well my mom says I don't have to respect you cuz you're not my mother"
Reply:Are you hurt because your daughter is giving your ex's girlfriend a card?





Or because it says "Special person" instead of "Step mum"?





If its the former then you need to suck it up and cut this poor woman some slack, having no kids of her own can be painful (suffered infertility myself before I miraculously conceived our son naturally!) and if its the latter, well maybe the reason his mum chose a card which said "Special Person" was because she didn't know how you would react to your daughter giving you ex's girlfriend one with "Mother" or "Stepmum" on it! Maybe your ex-MIL bought the card because she wasn't sure whether you'd be buying one for your daughter to give her stepmother.





Perhaps you could get your daughter to make something for her stepmum for mothers' day?





Some ideas:





http://www.garvick.com/annual/mothers_da...





I like the photo frames:





http://www.garvick.com/annual/mothers_da...





My partner has a stepmum. He didn't get along with her for a very long time but in the last few years they've become closer. She has never had children herself and I just know she'll get a big kick out of getting a "Special Nan" card on Mother's Day from our 15 month old son!!!
Reply:well did you ever stop to think that maybe your daughter had mentioned something to her about getting her dads fiancee, something for mothers day?





and think about this when they do get married she is going to be legally her step-mom. so she will be getting a card for as long as they stay together.
Reply:As her mother, it is your prerogative, (not her grandmother's), to do want you think is best.





However, sooner or later (preferably sooner) you are going to have to get used to this new situation, otherwise you are only hurting yourself. xxx
Reply:Does she have any kids of her own? Or pregnant? Maybe I'm mean but I wouldn't be very happy. I mean if they had been married for awhile and was a good step-mom sure why not.





BUT just a girlfriend..? Even if they are suppose to get married.. I don't know.. That's a tough situation.. ALthoguh.. You are her mommy.. It's up to you on what you think is best.. It's not up to his mother.. I don't see where she thought she had a right to step in there..
Reply:I think it is totaly insensitive of your ex mother-in-law. Your little girl is yours and you will always be her mum.


You have the satisfaction of knowing that the card being sent to the new wife to be, is from the mother in law to be and not your daughter.


Your daughter will hopefully be with you on mothers day, but if she has to hand the woman the card, she will probably say,grandma gave me this for you, but your not my Mummy.


Children will always speak the truth.


Just thumb your nose at the horrid woman.
Reply:Not good, but in this day of fragmentated families, bite back your feelings and say well i am the mum and no one can take that away,.
Reply:I think your ex's Mother is a bit interfering....but she comes with good intentions...it is better for your daughter to have a good relationship with this woman...she will be a big part of her life....I know it must be hard, but our children benefit from every positive relationship in their lives..this woman will have some good things to offer your daughter...of course she can never compete with you....but she will be a sort of Motherly friend to your child.
Reply:Its not up to his mum its none of her business, its up to you and your daughter, if you feel she deserves a card (if she's good etc with your daughter), I personally wouldn't want my daughter to do this but we dont know your situation so its hard to say but the fact you had to ask us tells me your not really comfortable with it so dont allow it, its Mothers Day and you are the mummy she isn't she should only be getting birthday cards etc...
Reply:I think its fine my kids buy my boyfriend a card and hes not their dad
Reply:I would feel very hurt indeed. I'm sure it's just one of those things that ex-mother-in-laws do to get up your nose. Try and not let it get to you. At the end of the day, they are trying to force a relationship between your daughter and this other woman. Let them live in their fantasy world - Your daughter is 6 and 6 yr olds are very astute - we don't give them enough credit. It will never come close to the bond between you and your daughter. Its all for show and probably to get on your nerves too so let it wash over you.
Reply:i understand where you are coming from. if i was you i would feel a bit hurt but at the same time it has to be understood that this woman will be sort of a secondary mother figure to your daughter and will be looking after and caring for her whenever she spends time with your ex and his girlfriend though i know its hard to think of it like that. i agree though that your daughter should have been asked if she wanted to make or give a card to her fathers new partner.
Reply:Wow that must really bite! I guess his mother is taking it upon herself to see that the girlfriend is welcome, but.. that area is not her place.


It must be pretty difficult for your daughter, seeing that this girl is important to your dad. She needs to get on with her, but she still has a loyalty to her own mum.


You can play the "mirror game" with her 'how are we the same?'.


It developes from something simple like brushing her hair in front of a mirror (it has to be simple and gentle).


You say things like: You have your nana's (your mother's) eyebrows (whatever you see for family resemblence). And you say a story about your mother's eyebrows (eg like - your nana ... always used to...., then you say something like.. you have my eyes. Grandpa always used to say to me...(about your eyes). You must introduce something about her father. It is a good game to play and it makes the child feel 'belonging to" this way she can feel happy about being nice to the new step-parent, but be loyal to you, because there will always be something special with you.

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