How to get out of "honoring" my step mother on mothers day?

I am 26 years old. My parents got a divorce when I was very young and my father remarried. I have never liked my step mother. She was an angry tyrant. When they got married she isolated me and my sisters away from my dads side of the family. When we did get to see them she referred to them as "my fan club" She was violent and demeaning. Yet, My 2 sisters and I were expected to introduce her as our mother. I have heard her get compliments for looking so great for having 3 kids...."thank you" would be her reply. As children my father would take us to get her mothers day cards and gifts...we would have a big dinner for her on mothers day...etc. I have always resented this and it makes me soooo angry. A couple months ago I had a jewelry party and both my mom and stepmother were there. We went around the room introducing our selves. My mom introduced herself as my mother. When it came to step moms turn, she introduced herself as my mom also. I was horrified.

How to get out of "honoring" my step mother on mothers day?
Ok, have a seat and let's have a little talk.





Facts:





%26gt;%26gt; I am 26 years old.


%26gt;%26gt; I have never liked my step mother.


%26gt;%26gt; She was an angry tyrant.


%26gt;%26gt; She was violent and demeaning.


%26gt;%26gt; I honestly hate this woman...


%26gt;%26gt; I have decided I am an adult and no one is going to bully me...


%26gt;%26gt; ...this is a big issue with me ...and my sisters.





Hmmm. These are some very strong feelings you have. I'm sure you have good reasons for having these feelings.





I see it like this. She was thrust upon you. You had no choice in the matter. Your dad chose her to be his wife but that didn't make her anything to you. She was not your mother. She isn't now and will never be.





If you don't want to accept her into your life, you shouldn't be forced to or allow yourself to be forced to.





If you want to break ties with her, the best way may be to approach your dad in private without her around and explain your feelings to him. Tell him that enough is enough and you are now putting your foot down and you don't require that he likes it. This is how it is and this is how it's going to be. Period.





I wouldn't say 'jack squat' to her.





That could go over like a lead balloon so make sure you are firm on what your boundaries are going to be with her before you open your mouth.





You know the arguements you are going to get about this. "Oh, she treated you just like her own child. You don't appreciate anything. She bent over backwards for you girls. You should be ashamed of yourself."





Don't pay any attention to them. Stick to your guns and be ready for the consequences. This could get messy.





Your father may counter with, "If you don't accept her, then you don't accept me." With which you should say, "What you really mean is that if I don't accept her, YOU don't accept Me." Remind him that your 26, not ten.





Tell him if that's his choice, then so be it if he wishes to put an outsider in front of his own child. Also, remind him that if that's what his attitude is going to be, he won't be seeing anymore of his grandchildren.





Stick to your guns if she's a bigger pain than what she's worth.





Best Wishes





*
Reply:You are now an adult. You should have told this woman to "funk off" years ago. I would just avoid her completely from now on, especially on mother's day. She'll get the hint....If you Dad continues to choose her over you, then funk him too! Life is too short to waste on spiteful jerks!
Reply:You are 26 years old. If you don't feel like honoring her, don't. Just ignore her on mother's day, spend the day with your real mom. If your step-mother asks why, tell her. Your a big girl now, you can do that.
Reply:The only way to handle this is to talk with her if she gets offended oh well, she is not your mother and I'm sure it hurts your actual mother for this step-monster to introduce herself as your mother, she needs to be put in her place, it is normal though for her not to tell people she is only your step-mother when they comment on her about looking good because then the person would expect an explanation, which is not important, hope this helps...
Reply:She's NOT your mom. She can NEVER replace your mom. Next time something like the jewelry party happens, correct her. When she introduces herself as your mom say no she is my step mom, or even better say something like this is my dads wife. Get her a step mothers card. who cares if it causes drama NO ONE should bully you into honoring her. You are under no obligation to bend to her demands anymore. Good luck.





I agree with the other posts. Spend mothers day with your real mother.
Reply:I have 3 step children and I treat them as my own however I have told them that I love them as my own but I will never try to take their mothers place but I will be the best step mom I could be, that nobody could ever take their mothers place. What this woman is doing is wrong and I am sorry to say this to you but your dad is wrong also. He should of put his foot down years ago. If you feel this way then get a card that says step mom and let it be and if anything is said then just simply say that you respect her as a step mom but you have only one mother!! And as far as your father he should respect the way you feel. I wish you all the luck because she sounds like the step mother from hell!!
Reply:i totally agree with the first answer... your an adult now and you dont have to deal with her.. she is not your mother and she never will be. if you cant find a way to get out of it then find a card that specifically says "step mother" and underline it. maybe she will get the hint! best of luck to you
Reply:Could you get her a card that say's "To Someone Special"? They do have cards like that because there are so many various relationships these days. I understand she's not your mother and you hate her BUT has she been a good wife to your dad? At least if you can say that about her, that's something positive, if she keeps your dad happy and takes care of him. Try to do something neutral without offending anyone too much or forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do.
Reply:The bottom line is: She is NOT your mother.





She should be ashamed of herself for the injustices she has visited upon you and your siblings.





But more inportantly - your Father should be even more ashamed for tolerating her creepy behavior and not protecting you.





Do not honor her anymore - Your rejection will eventually remove her from her imaginary pedastal.





You have suffered enough - if your father gets mad, tough luck - the truth hurts.
Reply:Giving your step-mom a "Happy StepMother's Day" card would be perfectly fine.


If she or your Dad complains, just tell them calmly that you are done pretending she is your "Mom" and that you have a "Mom" and a "StepMoM" and surely they both can understand the difference.





You don't need to say anything more. If they don't like it, tell them both, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and then let it be.





I am thankful that you still have a relationship with your real Mom, you are blessed to have her in your life.





You are an adult now, and it sounds like you've been manipulated and controlled your whole life by your Dad and StepMom. A good counselor can help you learn to get out from under their thumbs, so to speak, and to do what you feel is right.





By no means should you be cruel or unkind to your Dad or StepMom, because that just stoops you down to their level and no good will come of it. Be polite, respectful, but firm. Stand your ground.





Best wishes to you, I hope this helps.
Reply:I agree with everyone who has posted so far.





Basically- you are an ADULT. Now, I am a mom and a step mom, so I can see both sides of this. I love my step children as if they were my own, but would have to completely respect their wishes to only refer to me as step mom. Forcing anything else on them would be very wrong.





If she were a great step mother and treated you very good, then I would advise you to leave well enough alone and let her love you as much as she does. However, if she has always been violent and demeaning, then she does not deserve the title of "mom" to you.





Respect her as your fathers wife and as someone who loves you, but be up front and honest with her and your father as to how you feel about what she should be called. I do think that as a 26 year old female, it is time to grow up and let go of the resentments. After all, your happiness depends on it!





A lot of people in this worls have crappy parents or no parents at all. You have a lot of people who love you. You're a lucky girl.





xoxo
Reply:my cousin is in a situation much like this...and she just stopped one year and just spends the weekend at her mother's house rather than with her dad and stepmother. since she is not there and doesn't live there anymore it works. also since they have adopted 2 more kids...she's got enough attention...she'll get over it and if not...have fun with it...if your dad loves you he'll understand
Reply:This is a tough one. I think I would make a card that said something like : On Mother's Day may you enjoy every blessing from the rising of the sun to it's going down!


That is a pretty general sentiment and not too personal. I wouldn't do more than that. Maybe there are some like that in the card shops. You won't regret just sending a card which should keep the peace with your dad.


Spend the day with your bio mom if you live close enough or send her flowers.
Reply:Hi, Kristi,


First I was thinking about how you're a mom to 3+ children and your turmoil about that step-mom of yours. Then, I wondered if there's a way to appease your father and make HER feel special without taking away from your own mother or the awesome task that YOU have undertaken. Here's a site about step-moms. I just did a Yahoo search on it so there may be more appropriate pages for you, but it seems like SHE can have her own day.





The Muse





http://www.annieshomepage.com/stepmother...
Reply:wow


i would just tell your dad that you're spending the day with your mother since it's mothers day....and do just that....


here in michigan when parents split up and they do parenting time the mother gets the kid on Mothers Day and the father gets the kid on Fathers Day... so my point is,there is nothing wrong with you spending the day with your REAL mother (MOM) because even the courts see it that way...


You don't HAVE to like anyone.....and if you don't like her I'm sure there is a very good reason....and I have known you for quite sometime on here now and I can tell from your questions and answers that you're a very nice woman and a very good mother to your children.





And to that spiteful sounding woman that's a step mom that left you that nasty reply,you should know what you're getting into before you get involved with a man that already has children....those children didnt ask for their parents to seperate,they didnt pick you as their step mom, they were forced into it and you being the adult should do something to fix the issues,not the child....





Also back to you,Kristi


I would try and talk to your step mother


and explain to her how you feel and why


and maybe try and patch things up a bit between the two of you if possible.....just so that things can be peaceful between everyone....


and also tell her how it made you feel when she called herself your mom in front of your mom after your mom referred to herself as your mom,that was very insensitive of her and shows her character right there....


you can tell her that you appreciate every good thing she has done for you(if anything) but, they have the word step mom for a reason,because she is just that,she is your step mom and you would appreciate if she would call herself by such when asked....and your mom is your mom whether she likes it or not.


and if she dont like it,thats just too dang bad!!!


and your dad will get over it....
Reply:I am a step mother to a very spoiled 18 yr old young lady who never gave me a chance because she became jealous of me and her father. She also wanted nothing more than her parents to be together. I am actually a very nice step mother and would do anything for her, but its been real tough and puts alot of strain on my marriage, so I would like to hear your step moms side of this story. And don't worry about mothers day. I'm sure she wouldn't want anything if she knew your so concerned about having to do it. Your 26 I'd say its time to accept your dads choice in women don't you.